Mea, spirituali res

Mea, spirituali res

March 31st, 2013

By: Gina Yoryet Roman

Shelter, comfort, escape, blessing, craving, habit, benefit, good, asset, protection, source, preference, advantage, risk, stake, improvement, influence, interest, dominance, gain, choice, pain, gratification, self-fulfillment, profit, protection, recognition, strength, emotional, spiritual and physical support, stability, help, alleviation, care, furtherance, guidance, encouragement, endowment, relief, reinforcement, rescue, reward, salvation, shot in the arm, engine, fuel, sacrifice, sustenance, enrichment, merit, enrichment, sacrifice, focus, determination, persistence, insistence, virtue, superfluity, quality, convenience, confidence, assurance, enhancement, drive, power, goal…. my sanctuary.

Religion is a very broad topic and one of the most sensitive matters to get into because everyone sets their own beliefs. The bottom line is, that whether it’d be, catholics, protestants, christadelphians, budhists, islamics, jewish, orthodoxs, and so forth, everyone holds on to spirituality for any given reason. One of those argumentations is that of being at ease and remaining like that amidst good and bad, ups and downs and through black and white. 

As for my personal encounter with spirituality, it began long ago and since a very early stage in my life, there isn’t any true religion but Catholicism. I was born and raised catholic, I eventually detached from all it all during a long-lasting period of rebellion. Later in my adulthood I once again bonded with my faith, la fe en la que debes y siempre debiste haber confiado. 

It all started when I unwillingly went to Sunday mass (in Spanish) with my parents as a child. I didn’t know why, how, since when, all I recall is sitting on the bench trying to get through that endless boredom. Staying alert was not one of my virtues and I am too transparent to hide anything. I’ve never been able to conceal what I feel. The moment I feel discontentment, irritation, stress, it is easily mirrored. My parents knew they were taking me against my will but they were the boss so that was that. During my early life, I could care less about spirituality as the young, busy, and hyperactive young girl I was, there were other things to prioritize. 

The first time I truly experienced a true desire to willingly devote some time to this, was when I hit adolescence. At that point I underwent somewhat of an inner turmoil due to unknown reasons. It could’ve been because I was blossoming into a young woman, was caught between two cultures and trying to decipher right from wrong. From what I was told and from what I witnessed with young people my age and in my surroundings. In search of answers, I continued my quest and joined a catholic youth group.

Throughout that process, I honestly never looked for God nor was I 100% spiritual. On the other hand, I enjoyed attending our weekly reunions, I was very enthused to meet new people and engaged in fun activities. After that experience, I would manage to attend Sunday service very randomly, continued praying, giving up, talking to God, going through a list of requests, looking for answers and trying to find my purpose, at no avail. 

Between the breaks I took, I still prayed when I remembered or when I was in the mood for it. I was too young and full of life, there were many fun things to do, why sit and pray when I was not going to be heard? 

Later in my twenties, I was ready for a new spiritual quest when I moved to Sacramento. As a result, I started going to English mass which I really enjoyed but had a hard time learning the missal but I eventually narrowed down most of it. I never confessed this to anyone but during all or most of my high-intensity season trainings up in the mountains in Howarth Park in Santa Rosa, on the Sacramento River trail, at Mckinley park, or at the stadium in Sacramento City College, I constantly prayed silently and did a lot of self-talk. Time after time, I asked God to manifest his unconditional love to me by helping me find my (his) way. I asked him to reach out to me not based on my appearance, my intelligence, the color of my skin, my social status, or my  failures but based on the grounds of being another one of his children who wanted to serve his purpose but those talks went unanswered. I possibly denied myself from sensing and seeing his intense, direct and clear presence.  I kept telling myself, “I have the right attire worthy of a competitive and professional athlete and I’ve done quite well at keeping at a physically fitness level...yet, I long for mental fitness which is as equally important to compete for your glory. If my head is not fully in you, I will always lose.”

All through my life my intuitive self has challenged my faith and raised many questions, such as: Why is this happening? Where is God when it hurts? Why doesn’t he doesn’t do something? Why doesn’t he reach out to me when I need him the most? Where is the protection he promised? Why doesn’t he answer prayers and grant me all my requests? 

My broken and inconsistent religious crusade continued, I paused, started again, doubted, held on to praying to believe, gave up again. In 2004 fate had something in store for me that would leave a very painful scar. Now when I look back and as time progresses, I envision the purpose of that more clearly. It’s like they say, “whatever doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.” As saddening as it was, I would not changed anything because I have indeed become stronger, and more ready for what lies ahead. That experience along with others, bent me temporarily but nothing has broken me completely. That is when I strongly believe that there must be a God who is watching me from a distance. I mean there has to be because I make endless mistakes and he is there. Is he really?

Upon my arrival here, that unsteady relationship went on until 2009. After a series of ups and downs, I decided to seek for answers once again. I attended mass and prayed irregularly, tried to hold on to my faith but never succeeded. Ending that year, I gave up. Later in 2010, I made a serious commitment to attend mass on Sundays plus every chance I got during the week. So far I’ve missed two or three Sundays and a lot of during the week masses because of work issues. 

Becoming a traditionalist at F. S. S. P. has been one of the biggest challenges I’ve come across. Number one, mass is held in Latin, number two, women have to be dressed in below knee length skirts and wear a veil. Another reason F. S. S. P. has been some sort of trial or test, is because I have to abide to someone else’s will, give up my mundane desires and vanities, and reach out to those in higher need.  I tend to be a bit egocentric sometimes so this personality trait makes it difficult for me to think about others besides me.  

My rebellious nature keeps telling me to only think about me, myself and a lot of times I am the protagonist of the entire world until I become aware of how selfish that can be. On a day to day basis, I come across many impending obstacles that obstruct my view and make me lose focus but I bounce right back. My difficult character is not easy to get convinced so I do not give in easily. I tend to do all the talking, I pray and look for God at no avail, maybe my skepticism is blocking me from seeing in furtherance. 

That is why, due to my turbulent nature, I’ve been very oblivious to fully resonate with my beliefs. I’ve not been lenient enough to build the credibility upon anything or anyone. I’ve always battled with whether or not to believe. I’ve tried to reinforce that certainty by reading bits and pieces of the bible, Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret, by Judy Blume,The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren, Escape to God, by Jim Hohnberger, The Power of a Praying Woman, by Stormie Omartian, Email from God for women, by Claire Cloninger, among others. 

All in all, I’ve had to find emotional sustenance during a few stages of life so I’ve decided to attach to my spiritual affair - Mea spirituali res, mi aventura espiritual because that’s what nurtures my mind and soul, and it keeps me aligned. 

I’ve led a spiritual life throughout my entire existence but that doesn’t mean I have not failed. I am human and just like everyone else, I will never abide by the rules 100%. I pray so I don’t fail...but the truth is that I always do. I stumble, I gain my balance right back, I hit the bottom, I immediately bounce back, I take two steps forward and five or six steps back. I am bent temporarily by life’s encounters, but I get through good and bad, ups and downs, black and white without a problem. I’ve tagged on to this matter because that’s what nurtures, strengthens and aligns my mind, body, spirit and soul, plus it helps us fellow catholics encourage, support and build up one another. 

I constantly think of how each time there are less people giving up religion or spirituality and it honestly saddens me. On the other hand, I am hopeful because I can guarantee that a high 90% of the entire society worldwide, has looked for spirituality and lived a devoted later life. A perfect example is, prior Mexican President, Plutarco Elias Calles, an evil atheist who defied God’s will and ordered to have all the churches shut down ‘for good,’ during La Guerra de los Cristeros - The Cristero War, making Mexico bleed in its own land from 1926 through 1929. 

As a doubtable human being, I’ll always continue doubting, questioning, pondering upon, asking,...Perhaps most of my requests or concerns will never be answered nor granted but I don’t want to give up my faith to the lost, empty and vain society we have made. All I ask if there is a God, is to allow me to live a dignified life, an existence worthy of being a truthful and honest human being in order to build and leave my legacy behind to my husband and lifetime partner if I am meant to be a wife, to my victories (my children), if my purpose is to reproduce, to share my principles, morals, values with my parents and loving brethren and to be an example to my community, my society, my country, my world and ask what I can give and do for them, not what I can get from them. 

That is the only way I will have fulfilled the purpose I was set to accomplish and to make the woman I was to become, whole...

“Those who wait for the Lord, will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.” 

Isaiah 40:31