I truly am...

I truly am..

sorry

March 17, 2014

By: Gina Yoryet Roman

I REALLY am sorry about ramming into a cab driver right in front of my yesterday because of a two second idiotic distraction. Really, it was that stupid! As I got closer to the red light, I gently stepped on the break but before pressing it completely, I bent down and reached for my water bottle under the passenger’s seat and let go of the break completely!!! What an oaf I was to attempt that being behind the wheel, it’s like uploading my own, “don’t try this at home,” video for dummies to prevent others from making the same mistake.

The entire time I waited for my claim adjustor to arrive and even now, I get choked up visualizing the man’s face. I can’t erase his anxious and worried smirk off my mind and I can’t help feeling genuinely guilty to have caused him such financial and emotional grief. The impact was not that intense, my vehicle was more damaged than his but the time he waited was MORE valuable than anything else. I highly respect and value other people’s time because it is priceless.

Sadly, for many bus/taxi drivers and thousands of others, time means money, not a fortune but a meager couple of pesos, that’s why they have to take advantage of every single second. As for taxi and bus drivers, they have to pay an overly high rent fee to the vehicle owners to be able to make a minimum commission. In amount to this, they have to work very long hours against all odds such as extreme weather and thousands of crazy, ill-considered, and absent minded drivers. What does the future hold for individuals like this unfortunate man who lives in Analco, one of the oldest and poorest neighborhoods in this city? Life is indeed very bleak for them. 

That’s why in despite of not doing it intentionally, I will always be truly sorry for hurting him (I caused him a bloody nose) and for taking some precious time away from his hands because that time and the money he could have made, will never be restored. That’s the reason I was impulsed to give him $200 pesos, not to bribe him nor to buy his word because it was all on me, that insignificant amount of money was for him to seek medical help. 

What else could I have done for him? Had I had more money, I wouldn’t have hesitated to give him more. When we parted our ways, I shook his hand and told him I was sincerely sorry and that I would pray to God to keep him away from drivers like me. In return, I got a very passive smile from such humble and good hearted man, unlike the one who ran into me a few months back but took off on me because he didn’t have insurance, a license or registration. How could people live with themselves when they do something like that? 

I pray for that man the same way I pray for me and everyone for us to be more cautious and alert when we are on the road to avoid hurting ourselves and others...Bless that man’s unpretentious heart!

Death

Death

December 8, 2013

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” 

― Anaïs Nin

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 

― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid

“A girl calls and asks, "Does it hurt very much to die?"

"Well, sweetheart," I tell her, "yes, but it hurts a lot more to keep living.” 

― Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor

“Things we lose have a way of coming back to us in the end, if not always in the way we expect.” 

― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” 

― Woody Allen

“I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” 

― Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix - Axis: Bold as Love

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.” 

― Mark Twain

“If you gave someone your heart and they died, did they take it with them? Did you spend the rest of forever with a hole inside you that couldn't be filled?” 

― Jodi Picoult, Nineteen Minutes

“That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking.” 

― Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

It almost seems unreal

It almost seems unreal

December 7, 2013

By: Gina Yoryet Roman

unscathed by bitterness

I was saddened to learn about Nelson Mandela’s death on December 5th because he was one of the most influential men in the world. His death has with no doubt touched and impacted the whole globe and left us all mourning forever. 

Another death that came to remind me that we don’t own our life, and that humans are only passing through this world temporarily, was that of the late Paul Walker, actor of The Fast and the Furious movies. 

Michelle Rodriguez posted this warm dedication to him,

"What happens when kindness begins to depart the planet one by one? Is there enough time to learn, evolve, do something, in-between the extinction of kindness and our stint of a lifetime ... mortality makes me realize life is not just accumulated moments and memories, some people touch your soul and make you see unconditional love in all its innocence. In my eyes, Those kind people, are the most powerful forces on the planet ;) You can't run away from feeling Empathy or a sense of mystery in Life can you?"

When mortality comes to mind, it makes me draw back and realize that tomorrow is too late for anything. In the wake of grandma Mary Lou’s passing on January 26, 2012, I learned that one of the most challenging missions in life is changing ourselves. Making mistakes is part of our growth, yet many times we take our loved ones for grated. We get hurt by one another and we let pride subdue us. We let our brain dominate our emotions because our heart has been very badly wounded and we can’t let that happen again. 

For me, the act of forgiveness is a miracle come to life, real and eternal love, when two people can overcome all of life’s obstacles hand in hand conquering the world just like grandma Mary Lou and grandpa Hal did since they committed to their vows until death parted them. Before, I used to hold a grudge on everyone about the littlest issues until I I first learned about the act of acquitting offenses through those two dearly loved beings. Last year I was taught another lesson about the act of dissolution  through another dearly loved and close person in my life.

Thirteen years of marriage, two children, all the support and the life she devoted to her husband were not enough to avoid being betrayed and wounded. Little did she know that she’d be entrapped in a profound catch-22 and it would take her a long time to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Every single time I heard her sobbing during our phone conversations, I got choked up because our bond is so strong that I really felt it. Yet all those times I had to bite my tongue to avoid telling her to put an end to that relationship. 

She instead sought for God, therapy and decided to fight for them by changing and fixing particular things she had forgotten because she loved him. Her reasoning was, “I love him and tomorrow if one of us were to die, it it will be too late. Life is too short to be resenting others. Why do human beings always choose the fastest way when we are hurt? I am not perfect and I have hurt him too so I am taking 50% of the blame and I choose to stick with him.”

When I close my eyes and think about all that wise advice, I still get emotional, because it almost seems unreal that their hearts are unscathed by bitterness after all that pain. When I hear Hal sobbing on the phone, the emptiness in his voice echoes through my ear but he is not sour to have lost my dear grandmother. 

These two people have touched my soul very deeply and have taught me about unconditional love, the unequivocal love of God which I’ve never had through a human being because I’ve never been given a second chance...

Grief and loss teach us to love more

Grief and loss teach us 

what real love is about

November 10, 2013

By: Gina Yoryet Roman

Back in 2009, I signed up to get Cheryl Richardson’s weekly newsletter which I just got through reading.

“Grief is a funny thing.  It sneaks up on you at the most unexpected times.  Earlier this week, as I sat in the car waiting for Michael to come out of a drugstore, a song came on the radio and I burst into tears.  It was a new one that debuted on The Voice called, Say Something, by A Great Big World,and it featured the beautiful background vocals of Christina Aguilera.  

As I listened to the words, I thought about how painful it is to lose someone we love.  How desperate we are to know that they're okay, that they're with us, and ultimately that there's life beyond the release of the physical body.

I'm still waiting for a sign from Debbie, an irrefutable message that her energy and consciousness lives on and near me.  Silly human that I am...

I don't mind the sadness though.  Over the years I've learned to embrace the hollow clenching of my heart when I think about someone or something I've lost. Time has taught me that my ability to welcome grief is directly related to my ability to welcome love.  Because I no longer push away the pain, I've grown to trust myself enough to live through it and this trust frees me to invest more of my heart and soul into my relationships.  

Being with grief is not easy, though.  It can be challenging to let the tears flow, especially when they show up out of nowhere.  Like in public.  For some reason my grief loves to visit me at the most inconvenient times like when I'm sitting in the car in front of the drugstore with lots of people walking back and forth around me.  

  

Today I invite grief in.  I welcome its teachings, its benevolence, and its ability to connect me with my vulnerable, tender heart. 

After all, that tenderness is important.  It's the aliveness we all secretly long for every single day of our lives...”

Very interestingly all through this weekend I've had repercussions about death due to a bad dream I had earlier in the week. Perhaps it is the Christmas feeling, the change of season and the sound of dry leaves emphasizing the solitude in my heart, the atmosphere, the nostalgia of not spending enough time with all my family, the loss of my beloved grandmother who surrendered to death on January 26, 2012, after  a long-lasting battle against Alzheimer’s. It may be the echoing and desperate crying voice of grandpa's wise and invaluable advice; 

“Yoryet, love can be tough sometimes but when you find the one, grow together, don’t ever let go and love, forgive, pray and walk hand in hand with him until death does you apart.”

It can possibly be the loss of Victoria (one of my personal victories) who I lost towards the end of 2009. It could be the true friends that life has unexpectedly taken away from me for an ungiven reason. Perchance it is the love that fell through the cracks long ago because I shunned grandpa’s advice and because value didn’t have a value because neither one of us gave value its value. I will never acquiesce (agree) to those fatalities but I’ve learnt to live with it..

“You will lose someone you can’t live without,  your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

“A lot of things are inherent in life -change, birth, death, aging, illness, accidents, calamities, and losses of all kinds- but these events don't have to be the cause of ongoing suffering. Yes, these events cause grief and sadness, but grief and sadness pass, like everything else, and are replaced with other experiences. The ego, however, clings to negative thoughts and feelings and, as a result, magnifies, intensifies, and sustains those emotions while the ego overlooks the subtle feelings of joy, gratitude, excitement, adventure, love, and peace that come from Essence. If we dwelt on these positive states as much as we generally dwell on our negative thoughts and painful emotions, our lives would be transformed.” 

― Gina Lake

Going back to Cheryl Richardson’s reflections, 

“Because I no longer push away the pain, I've grown to trust myself enough to live through it and this trust frees me to invest more of my heart and soul into my relationships.” 

they also made me ponder upon my current and future relationships, when there’s grief, I will forgive and make my heart capable of loving even more because once death interferes, it will be too late. Sometimes we may win or lose but the point of life is accepting, letting go and learning to avoid making the same mistakes. More importantly, never stop believing in love to better understand my purpose, the meaning of two becoming one even when the ball (fortune) doesn’t bounce right back to us.  Sometimes it will bounce lower than ever, therefore our job is to get a hold of it, make it find its equilibrium and stay put.We must keep that frail crystal ball together at all times because once it breaks, it will never be put back into its original form. 

Tomorrow these feelings will wither as I fade away into my daily routine...

"Say Something"