My obsession with pain

My obsession with pain

August 19, 2012

By: Gina Yoryet Román

Being a deaf tenant in my own body is the most descriptive adjective for me. When it comes to health, I am good at telling my friends and loved ones to get their regular check ups, to get treated when they get injured, I am the first one behind pushing them to not forsake their physical, emotional and spiritual well being. But I am the first in line to break my own rules, always ignoring my body.

After a week invaded by severe pain, pondering about my knee injury all weekend and trying to decide whether or not I should seek medical help, my worst fear manifested through a very vivid dream, I’d say it was closer to a nightmare that I woke up sweaty and my heart pounding at a million beats per minute.

There I was lying on my bed with my left leg elevated and bandaged after a recent emergency surgery for it was impossible to take another step. I was caught in the midst of different emotions; fear, frustration, self-pity, sadness, lack of self-control, craze, emptiness and anxiety because I couldn’t move. On the verge of tears I promised not to ever have another surgery because I would not be able to bear the pain. I have never been good at withstanding pain, yet it’s been one of my companions for a long time making me very dependent on it. I have willingly integrated physical strain in my life as I have neglected to seek the according treatment. Getting it over with was never in my plans since I’d voluntarily decided to drag it for this long.

Through all the reflecting I made a fundamental decision; that agony won’t last much longer, from now on, I will go against torturing my body, not another day, week, month or year will I put up with the strain, I cannot allow this internal issue to rob me from many nights of sleep or from a pain free life.

Looking back at all the hardship I’ve put my body through since I was an adolescent, I cannot fight the yearning to beat myself against the wall for being so ignorant with it.

My first experience with physical pain was at sixteen when I marked my body (I got my first tattoo) just because I wanted to go against my father’s dictatorship. My second experience was shortly after that, at age seventeen on an early Thursday morning I was riding my bike and got hit by a car. The vehicle struck me on my right side making me fly right out of my two-wheels and them landing on top of me. I was bleeding all over, my spine was out of place but being the invincible super woman, I rejected to have an ambulance pick me up so after the matters were ‘resolved’ with the driver’s insurance company, I hopped right back on my bike and pedaled home. I claimed I was just fine, went home, cleaned, and did all my chores as normal until…

 the next day, I was bruised, scratched and aching all over but I still neglected to go to therapy. That following Saturday I was shaking my booty at a concert with my then boyfriend!!!

No wonder my mother almost had a heart attack!

All through my competition years I was a hard core partier taking advantage of every traveling opportunity and the thrill of knowing new places with my team. Being the bad influence I’d always talk the girls into partying out and getting a little wasted and then pigging out an entire pizza the night before a state meet. Needless to say, that was a detrimental decision for our results but more so for our body so my coach almost kicked me out of the team. She actually gave me the benefit of choosing and so I did. Partying was put on the back burner for some time.

After college, I went on to long distance but only that time there wasn’t anyone getting on my case about partying so I’d pull many all nighters salsa dancing the night away at an annual salsa congress in San Francisco by the beach, drinking, grabbing a dinosaur size beef burrito and storming right back to Sacramento, arriving right at 7:30am to do the 42.1 k.

It took me a while to get why I never made it to the cross line. My body was suffering and there I was thinking I was the ‘citius altius fortius nenikekamen’ (the Fastest, Highest, Bravest, I will always win) of the universe. I brushed the pain aside not wanting to take it to the extent of harming myself but I have. I’ve been self-destructive; I’ve invited pain to be a part of me because I was always under the belief of having strong genes and that the pain would only be temporary. All my life I’ve struggled and been haunted with dreams of life, death, fear, and physical pain that I’ve slowly integrated it into my life.

During my last years of long distance competition my body started ringing the alarm but I once again shut it down. Not long after I had to put running to a halt because of the awful wreck I got into on Carretera de Chapala on June 15, 2009. Once again, I didn’t go to physical therapy, I instead went to psychological therapy to accept that my years as a professional athlete were long gone.

After that I continued running for a few more months until I was paralyzed with the symptoms of sarcopenia (a severe injury - age related loss of muscle).

Physical damage had been a part of me but from now on, I want to detach for good, I want to live a normal life and be able to walk without panicking. I don’t want to be bedridden or dependent on crutches or someone to do everything for me. At this point I don’t even care about running again (I actually do, only 20-30 minutes without aching).

That’s why as of today, I’ve decided to discontinue being a deaf tenant in my own body. Perhaps one day all my expertise and wounds will make me wiser and perhaps I can mentor young athletes. And as scared as I am, I will do whatever it takes to go back to normality even if a surgery is necessary.

Being in bed or immobile puts me on panic mode but I have to overcome that fear because I know for a fact that quitting is NOT an option.

I have bent temporarily many times before but I’ve NEVER been broken.

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” 

Lance Armstrong

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”

J. K. Rowling

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If I have to make a choice, may I make it now"

Paulo Coelho 

By the River Piedra I sat Down and Wept

"Only then will I either give up or continue fighting”

Gina Yoryet Román