Terminating a 7 year bond

Terminating a 7 year bond

September 15, 2013

By: Gina Yoryet Roman

Last night I was finally able to get through and reach Hal, my grandpa. At 87 and a widower, he’s become very sensitive and vulnerable, yet very strong. He was pouring his heart out to me about all the health issues and roadblocks he has had to cross sans Mary Lou (R. I. P.). Just about every minute he apologized for ‘complaining’ too much but I really wasn’t annoyed in the least, I instead correlated, listened attentively and tried to understand the affliction and solitude that are gnawing his heart and soul after losing the love of his life after fifty years of marriage. I tried to comfort his heart at no avail but nonetheless, he made an effort to be more cheerful. 

When I hang up, I thought about how heart-rending it must be to see the love of one’s life depart a lot sooner than expected.  Since they gave their vows of love, loyalty and respect, they both worked very arduously at it and stood by each other’s side until their fiftieth anniversary that came apart due to Mary Lou’s death on January 26, 2012. As the man of word he has always been and the loyal wife she was, she kept  her word and maintained her promise of love, with this resulting in lifetime devotion to one another. Hal wanted all of Mary Lou and no other woman ever. Mary Lou gave all of herself to him and no other man forever. Grandpa tells me that it wasn’t easy, they had to work hard at it every day, they envisioned themselves together twenty, forty, sixty years from the time they signed their vows without thinking about the end. 

Long lasting relationships like this could take the ‘easy’ way out but they instead first and foremost, pray and live a clean spiritual life together, both persons think hard about working at love every single day, choosing that they really want it and they achieve to walk hand in hand till the end. 

That conversation made me put on my thinking cap and contemplate some of the married couples at my church. Some are in their thirties, some in their forties, fifties, and maybe one or two in their late seventies and/or eighties. Several times I’ve been about to approach to Frank and Irene Denky, the oldest couple, to interview them and find out the ingredients to a lifetime lasting union but I’ve been either too hesitant or too time constrained. I thought about my friend C. A. T’s 20+ year marriage and how she’s been the main pillar to make it last despite having hit the bottom as a couple once. My sister’s thirteen year marriage who’s undergone very dark moments, and my brother’s thirteen year marriage with his bipolar wife who has never been able to cooperate. In spite of that, he’s been a real man who’s been by her side through good and bad, through ups and downs, through black and white, through rough and smooth. Many other well-balanced and unscathed marriages came to my mind and was in a daze. 

Then my thoughts were interrupted by a bleaker side of the coin. For example, my parents’ never ending, broken, torturous, painful, unfaithful and aggressive unity. My friend K. E’s failed marriage, my other friend K. M’s deteriorated and short lasting tie, other friend’s short-lasting unions followed by dissolution. 

Thereafter I thought of the seven year professional unification I decided to cease for a number of reasons: I was not being taken seriously for about two years. My accountant always did an impeccable job but as of twenty four months ago, he started to either not arrive on time or failed to show up without calling, texting or notifying me. He vanished for about three months, came to claim his ridiculously high payment after I had been getting late notifications from Hacienda (The IRS). I talked to him several times because of the principle of “everyone deserves a second chance.” I sat down and talked to him not only once, twice, three times at no avail. He disrespected my authority as a client of his, but overall, my authority and credibility as a woman. This deplorable event happens in all relationships when one side is not willing to do his/her job. In this particular scenario, I played my role appropriately and accordingly, therefore I was not the one to blame. 

Then I couldn’t help and think about all my failed personal relationships which would be irrelevant to bad mouth and make myself look like the ‘victim’ of the story. Although I can assure my share of mistakes, for instance in the tie I dwelled the most on for the longest time was when my heart was fragmentized the worst ever. Not only did I lose (I never really had him to begin with) the greatest love at that given time in life, but I also lost what I ended up recovering in the long run... Me, my dignity, pride, self-confidence/love, purpose and direction. That connection was very painful and agonizing for several reasons which I will not get into now (perhaps one day). Number one, we were not on the same page. Number 2, I welcomed a lot of unnecessary pain and frustration very willingly because I deeply cared about him, more than I ever had for anyone else. Sadly but true after many years of indecisiveness and unwillingness (I would’ve left everything behind right then and there to be with him), he made it very clear that he didn’t want me in his life. Long after, I decided to no longer keep making myself available to him because not only would there NEVER be room for me in his life, but he would NEVER be ready in any aspect. 

Yes, I acted VERY desperately, pushy, needy and even worse, TOO emotional but I did my best within my circumstances and limitations to try and mend things given the fact that we were each other’s love of our lives, plus I was under the impression that a sincere, true and transparent love is very forgiving but I was wrong. With this situation he decided to part ways and I was left behind dwelling on it for too long. Twenty four seven I felt like nothing and couldn’t imagine life without him, I didn’t see or feel my inner or outer value or everything I had to offer despite my flaws. Now that my heart and soul have finally cleansed, I take this as another learning experience that has taught me a priceless lesson so Next time I will definitely know what NOT to do!

I cannot blame him for rejecting me, I later learned the hard way that not a single human on this planet likes to be pressured. Ironically a while after that, I became engaged with another person but broke it off for the same reason. I was being pressured and suffocated. He wanted to control me and attempted to even tell me what to wear. When we made plans together, he undid them and changed everything according to his needs, desires, wishes, convenience, he indicated how many children HE wanted to have, he decided that I would be working and making A LOT of money due to my skills, I am bilingual, biliterate and multicultural. When I was on facebook, he ordered me to replace my profile picture with the one he liked. He pressured me too soon to change my profile status to ‘in a relationship,’ shortly after, he wanted to force me to change it to, ‘engaged,’ before even giving me a chance to tell my loved ones about it. I gave him another opportunity but we were not compatible in many ways and instead of longing for our lifetime union, I started feeling more and more suffocated as time progressed. Despite that, I was willing to be patient and understanding but he willingly put his foot in his mouth when he blamed me with something very nonsense and degrading (it is too embarrassing to even mention) . Very few times in my life I was that offended. Needless to say, it was the end of that episode which alleviated my soul and mind with the adamant decision I made... We were not meant to be. 

I have learned to redirect my mind and all those negative emotions towards another route. If I can’t find the man of my dreams, my love can be manifested in so many different ways to many lonely and needy souls. I sincerely would like to find the man that I will share my life with, not a man who I am temporarily infatuated with or his body. The one and only who will accept me for who I am not for what I possess, someone who will NEVER be critical of me and who loves my body as the creator it is meant to be, not for the size of my butt, boobs or waist. A REAL man who will have my back and will never leave me high and dry. 

Someone who speaks my language or is open to learning my language, as opposed to regarding my culture, customs and family as a problem, someone who overlooks and accepts all of me and envisions us conquering the world. But more than anything, a forgiving soul who can override all the tiny matters lying within.

I, like everyone else, want to grow old with a lifetime partner whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, pretty or ugly, happy or sad. I would love to write my own love story with him until we are separated only by death. What I have longed for all my life, is to matter to someone who is committed to me and for that someone not to fail me when my body starts withering and my vision starts fading.

I don’t ever want to “Terminate our seven, ten, twenty year bond. I want it real till the end of eternity and be as creature to creator, sheep to shepherd, subject to king, clay to potter, life to death, music to musician...