December sixteen

December sixteen
By: Gina Yoryet Roman
December 16, 2011



Number one thing to do was to turn off my phone as soon as my alarm went off and go M. I .A. (Missing in Action)this particular day.

The last few December 16th’s, I’ve spent them meditating (for whatever that means because I can never sit still for long), or at least reflecting in the privacy of my space – the four concrete walls that know me more than anyone else and those which have witnessed the very best and worst of me. Those concrete blocks that know my inner nature, my downfalls, my crisis, my joyful moments, my drive, they sense my frustration, my bad vibes, my ups and downs, and they never tire of monitoring me, they will always be there so willing to listen without uttering a single word when I tell them that the more I try to know, the more mysterious life becomes.

Those walls that watch my grip and my fingers move as I type every week. They stare back at me when I gaze at them to come up with new ideas every time lack of motivation hits me. So the last couple of days I’ve been thinking about last year when I first got committed to writing every week, it’s happened but I’d never written on a December 16 ever before so I am wrapping up my day writing.

With this in hand, I thought about some of the best gifts and commitments “I” can give to “Me,” Number one is to keep up with my regular workout routines until I can no longer move, perhaps if I live till I am 85, 90, I will still find a way to keep exercising.
Number two (among a few others), writing, since that is one of my greatest passions in life. I’ve loved writing as far back as I can remember. Since I learned how to form my first words, I’d always write, my journal was always my most faithful companion. When I was in college I would always write so eagerly, writing was my favorite class which was something to always look forward to. And I still have some of my latest writing since my arrival here. Nevertheless, I never thought that some day I’d write for a magazine or a newspaper and that traces of my writing would be left every where I’ve been.

That’s why this December 16, I concluded that all those traces of writing will become one. My biography…
But what will my main theme be to begin shaping up the puzzle? Will it be possible to talk about specific circumstances that will re-open wounds and make my heart bleed again? Will I bear talking about my two greatest loves in life? Would it be a good idea to mention my fears and flaws? Which by the way I’ve always been very cautious about not mentioning since anything one says can be used against one.
Will I be inspired to talk about my goals? Will I be able to accomplish one of my most desired goals in my journey? Will I be able to talk about my strengths and weaknesses? Will my happiest moments be part of that one piece of writing to make it whole?

And so January first, 2012 will be my landmark.
Perhaps my drive will be “Atlas,” The Greek ´Primordial Titan bearing the heavens. That amazingly looking God holding the entire world from not falling. Atlas´ strength is something everyone would envy because even though he is trembling, down on his knees, his arms getting weak, he somehow makes the greatest effort and manages to hold the world with the last of his strength.

Sometimes I feel like Atlas, especially when my world seems to be going down and when I’ve felt like giving up, I hold on to my universe even in the midst of chaos, tragedies, when I take two steps forward but it really feels as if I took three steps back, when I’ve been able to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, the fact that I’ve taken the less traveled road when I am in a labyrinth of solitude surrounded by pessimism, negativity, rage, frustration and all the negative feelings to think of.

Even when I’ve wanted to vanish from earth, I’ve still managed to get a hold of my world just like Santiago in the Alchemist, at the beginning of the book, there’s a scene where he’s walking and holding a spoon with a seed in the middle trying to keep his balance. The seed symbolizes him, standing lost in his world (the spoon), not knowing where to go and trying to keep his balance to not fall into the abyss. He goes in search of his dreams and find happiness and he doesn’t cease until he finds them. .

The same way Atlas and Santiago are able to stay intact regardless of their pain or the obstacles lying ahead, they are not daunted by these tiny mental matters.
Perhaps I will only give up when the last river has been poisoned, when the last star in the sky has disappeared, when the last tree has been cut, when the last human being has died, when the world comes to an end, when the last fish has been caught, when the last cockroach has been killed, when the last fly has vanished, when the last computer has been invented, when people stop lying cheating on each other and taking advantage of one another, when the last wicked human being has died,

Perhaps when I have expired then will I stop holding on to my world and fighting my battle, just like one true warrior I've known all my life...

Ralph Waldo Emerson
What Lies Behind Us and What Lies Before Us are Tiny Matters Compared to What Lies Within Us

Georgia O'Keeffe
I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life - and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.