Buried under a Mountain of Self (Me)

Buried under a Mountain of Self (Me)

February 1, 2016

By: Gina Yoryet Román

And it is ready to crumple before my eyes

They say that every woman is born with it, but I wasn’t, or I neglected my nature all along. During my adolescence this thought never came to me because I was unbeknownst to what it fully entailed. I may not have known completely, but I was certain that deep down I didn’t desire it because of my rough upbringing. In my twenties, I got a somewhat fuller scope through my mother, friends, sisters, co-workers and acquaintances and I still didn’t aspire for it. In my early thirties and now that I am scratching f-o-r-t-y, OMG! Yes! I am still debating it.

Until exactly two weeks ago I was still rowing the wrong direction harder and harder each day to prevent it any cost. But on Tuesday January 26^th, my suspicions were confirmed. I was experiencing a bit of insomnia, some swelling and cramps, but I wanted to make myself believe that it couldn’t be possible. But deep down I knew it had happened.

My first reaction was to whatsap a close friend of mine and confide my concern to her. I want to say that I was caught amidst frenzy and joy, but I wasn’t and that doesn’t make me feel very proud. But I was and I still am confined in the midst of panic, fear, worry, anxiety, and overall disgust with my body. I am very restricted physically. On top of my chronic knee injury, this has arised. I am in physical gridlock!

For whatever the Purpose Driven Life means, I don’t want to deny myself the opportunity and blessing to procreate, witness the beginning of a new promise and be an accomplice of the gift of metamorphosis through my temple. I want to live a life without regrets.

Towards the end of the week it sank in more and I accepted it. I am still terrified, daunted, reluctant in a way, and in a way hopeful, and aghast. Part of it is because I have never allowed myself to be completely happy. Why should I allow myself to unveil my real self? As of three days ago, I’ve been more at ease, lying awake at moments during the night, asking myself if I will be a good role model. I feel incapable of caring for me, and much less of another human being.

I won’t know how to react, I won’t know what to do.

I won’t know who to reach out to. For all I know, my woman instincts may kick in and things will work out, they always do. The more I think, the more I give fear room to reside in my mind, heart and soul. The more I am permissive of unease, the more icebound I become. The more I welcome doubt, the more I reject my nature. The more I deny myself to be happy, the more I deny my purpose, my mission, my vision, my dreams.

It all entails to being buried under a mountain of “Self,” “Me,” All my life everyone else has done everything for me. I am the first, last, and most important individual on my list. Not anymore, from the moment I found out till the end of my journey, my circumstances will be different.

Conceivably, I am frightened to give myself up. I want to go against my nature but I am grateful every day for this gift, this blessing, this joy. Today I will stop yearning for the young single woman I once was. Now I can clearly visualize that no matter how much I tried to bypass who I really was for a long period of time, the real me re-emerged. I now realize that one cannot run from oneself because one day, the real one will be disclosed.

And so my real self has disclosed, even if it means that I have to give up the mountain of “Self” to care for someone else.

All I can say is, "Why me, why here, why now?
Every day I am grateful to God and life and instead of asking for my will, I ask for his will
and for me to be humble and accept, for acceptance will set me free.