Only fools Rush in

Only Fools Rush In
October 30, 2011
By: Gina Yoryet Roman

It’s only been two weeks since I last posted but it feels as though it’d been months. No wonder something was missing! So much has happened in the last fourteen days since the 14th when I first attempted to update and since the initiation of the Pan American Games.
This morning, October 30, the closure of the Games took place. As I brisk walked to La Minerva, the starting and ending place where the men’s 42.1k took place brought back many memories of “my” years. Gazing at the amazingly fit yet anxious looking young men made me crave competing. The craze running through my veins made me yearn the pressure and adrenaline of competing more than ever; year after year when I used to pull all nighters salsa dancing the night away in San Francisco the last weekend of October, and then storming back to Sacramento to make it right on time for the 42.1k.

I was in awe watching the athletes go around once and again, and although their bodies are something worth admiring, I was not focused on the outer aspect as much as I admired what one’s body is capable of doing and more so, all the strain our temple is able to withstand.
I had a flashback of my amateur years when I used to ALWAYS RUSH INTO the first three, four, five miles looking around at all these “old runners,” and thinking that they’d immediately be outrunned by all the young runners.

Little did I know then that there was a long way to go and that life would teach me many lessons about the consequences of pressure…

And that reminded me of the prior weekend to the Pan American Games when I spent the whole Sunday with a few single teachers from work. It was very pleasant to spend time with all single people who enjoy life and don’t seem to pay too much attention to when they are asked why they are not married or have children.
Guadalajara can be a very judgmental not accepting city where if someone is not married or has children by a certain age everybody starts thinking that there must be something wrong with that single creature.
It was refreshing to feel like the “young one” in the group (everyone else was in their 40’s). It also felt good to not feel like the outsider because I am partnerless.
We chatted away the whole afternoon about the advantages of being single. Does it get lonely every now and again? Of course but freedom is priceless so might as well enjoy it to the max although people may look at us with pity thinking that we are very lonesome.

Spending time with that group helped me reaffirm that I will NEVER have a child for the wrong reasons; because I will hold my partner back forever, because that is what society or what my family and friends want, because I’m feeling that my biological clock is ticking intensely, or just to go with the flow, or even because that child will be a “long-term” investment like someone once told me.

So that day I drove back home appreciating singlehood like never before and being grateful for all the blessings life has given me.
The following Wednesday morning as soon as I opened my eyes the first happening was my usual conversation with God.
At that second it felt as if someone had thrown a bucket of iced water on me and made me realize that I've been asking for something that perhaps it is not meant to be for the time being.

I’d been longing for a loving partner for some time because I felt ready and although there are moments when I still do, I don’t want to be a fool again and rush into another relationship like I once did.
In my struggle to be with the man of “my dreams” three years ago, I made one mistake after another. Instead of letting my love overtake my need, I let the opposite happen, instead of taking my time and let things flow, I put a lot of pressure into the relationship and rushed everything. Instead of being in control of the ONLY person I can ever be in control of, I lost my marbles. Instead of having hope and faith, I complained and wondered over and over when things were going to happen. Instead of following my father’s advice to always confronting the world with your “best mask” even if you’re shattered within, and break down in the privacy of your home, I let the world see my worst side.

Now although there was a price to pay to lose the yet most loved man in my life, I learned one of the most important lessons in life - rushing in is NEVER a good option. I also know that if I cannot be with the man of my dreams, there are a million other ways to manifest my love. There are a million goals to reach, things to do in life and simply embrace life and accept the constant roller coaster and its side effects.

Yet most important, I’ve learned to get to know myself more, to appreciate “me” and to never force anything. If it’s not meant to be, it will NEVER happen.