Santa or Bubba

Monday December 20, 2010




I just got back from Soriana, a grocery store close to the American School where I work. I bought a phone card last week so I had to go back to pick up an invoice to give to my accountant at the end of each month (with all my other invoices). There are many things I can write off like gas, car maintenance, phone cards, etc. since I work as an independent contractor. There were a few people waiting in line which was very irritating and I was about to throw a fit but then I thought about it and decided to be patient since it is so close to the holidays and everybody needs warmth these days. Instead of being grumpy, I was very entertained with the cash registers as I listened to them talking and assisting all the clients very quickly.
One of the women told the other one to work faster and the other one instead of getting angry and replying impolitely, she said, “I’m going to protest because the population is increasing a lot, there are too many people and children to attend around these days so I will write a letter to Santa asking him to send me someone to help me because I can’t do the work alone.”
The lady standing in front of me was very pleased with the cashier’s reply too and we were both smiling. This really made our day and taught us a small lesson about politeness so I thought of how we are a few days away from a new beginning and I'd like to share this letter that I came across on the internet once and I’ve had for a few years now.
When I look at that type of writing it makes me go like WOW! That's one amazing writer!




To Whom It May Concern: I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole.
He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences Such As: There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace.
And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen..." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear,
"On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty." "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going potty on the Tooth Fairy. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town."
This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox"; Cledus T. Judd's "All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack", and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You can shove It." Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209