Fear is manifested in Peculiar Ways

Fear is manifested in

Peculiar Ways

April 17, 2016

I was recomended, ‘Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway,’ by Susan Jeffers, Ph. D. About three years ago. Before I first googled it, I questioned myself, should I yield to the fear that I am constantly invaded with? Or should I befriend my angst and backfire and prevail? The first was NEVER a choice, so I went with the second one!

This book teaches people how to overcome their fears and take action albeit life’s deterrents. I read a few pages but it was put aside because my mind is on daily study mode because of all work’s demands.

Every time I set a goal, I do whatever it takes to get there, in spite of being afraid. I get very focused through prayer to build a resilient mind, heart, spirit and soul and working out helps my body remain strong to withstand the heavy load of duties to be untangled until I reach that objective.

All this week and the past one, I was invaded with angst because of certain former happenings during my early years. It is thought provoking of how the past always claws its way out in a very peculiar way. My apprehension was manifested through my dreams. This specific nightmare has haunted me all my life, at some point it faded, to be precise when I started praying more. But last weekend, or earlier in the week, it reentered and robbed me of my sleep! I woke up abruptly lying in the dark wondering if it would become a reality the moment I stepped out in a few hours.

But it didn’t…

That unclaimed distress always wreaks internal and mental havoc and it is very difficult to be at ease and peace. Towards the end of the week I got to the root of the matter. Since my knee surgery three years ago, just when I am one step closer to reaching wholesomeness, yet another hurdle forces me into physical gridlock! That surgery, a month later I fell in a hole which hurt my already agonizing knee. Being unable to perform at high-intensity post surgery brought upon a few other issues, anxiety, sadness, frustration, and other negative emotions. Then I was rear ended twice which injured my neck (I haven't recovered completely). After losing Victoria Esperanza, I was physically and emotionally drained so I was forced to take some time off, then when I was recovering, another minor fender bender took place which took a toll on my feeble body. I had to go to the doctor and I was required to wear a neck-brace for two weeks! So I went back to basics! The truth is, I've been struggling, I've been in inner and outer turmoil since. Every time I have tried to take two steps forward, in reality, I take ten steps back. No excuse, but it is not easy to get motivated dragging these never ending issues. But I am very confident that I will reach wholeness one day, and I shall live to witness that.

I finally got MRI’s from both knees because they are constantly (daily) inflamed due to the trauma of prior injuries and because of not healing properly. It was daunting, I feared having another surgery on both knees, I was subdued by fright thinking that my neck will  not go back to the same, I feared stepping into another doctor’s office and being put through the slaughter house (the surgery room)! I was dismayed about embracing aging with these injuries that laid foundation on my body, hopefully NOT permanently. I was aghast about never being able to recover.  

This mental torture fabricated by my cajoling mind, la loca de la azotea, (the crazy woman upstairs – the mind). That’s how I like to call it, because that’s what it is. The crazy woman upstairs can be my best friend or my worst enemy, depending on what angle I look at it. Ha, ha! Woody Allen said something like this, “Fear is my most loyal companion. He has never abandoned me to go with somebody else.” He is always there, waiting for the first moment of vulnerability to tackle me.

As hard as it may sound, I always manage to assauge my fears! After going to my doctor to get my MRI’s interpreted, and after reflecting, it all resonated transparently and I was more at ease. That's just me, I fear everything. Sometimes I can't sleep through the night dreading the next day and the day after. LOL! I fear not being a good daughter, a good mother (if I am meant to procreate), I worry about not being a good wife, I stress over not rising to the occasion as far as the professional aspect. I am intimidated about lacking expertise when I share my knowledge with my students. Life can be menacing and I can be on serious dire straits if I let it control me. 

Now that I let it all out, I am more at ease, now my only fear is not getting enough sleep and doze off in the middle of work or behind the wheel tomorrow. But I am ready for yet another challenge!