A spark at the end of my tunnel

A spark at the end of my tunnel
AM I getting there?
April 17, 2015
By: Gina Yoryet Roman

Blindsided is the right term to describe my inner agony caused by this ill-fated physical detriment which has been my steadfast companion round the clock for the last three years or so. At my acupuncturist´s office today, while I lay (lie, lay, lie, these 3 verbs are always confusing so I have to really focus to make sure I am using the right one!) on the exam table, my body surrendered to that stretch of time I declared a ruthless war to it. The whiplash and the existing pain are the residuals of that insensibility from my end. My past broke its way through very abruptly and revived each incident when I injured myself; the time when a ramshackle table where I and other girls were sitting on, collapsed and my right calf got stuck underneath it right before a state meet. It immediately swelled and it throbbed nonstop, yet I refused to forego the competition. I became deaf and blind to my body’s agony. I mean there is NEVER room for a high-rendering athlete to show even the slightest tinge of feebleness! Or the many times when I pulled all nighters salsa dancing the night away in the Bay area and drove back to Sacramento just on time to start a 42.1 k. And then I reprimanded myself about not finishing the entire marathon, and questioned myself why I was sore for three days post each enduring run. Or at 19 when I was really into bike riding, during a 6am ride on my way to work, I was unfortunately hit by a car. I ended up scratched and my left thigh was bleeding, yet I refused to call an ambulance. At this point I can´t recall how I got home, all I remember is the pain, blood, and scratches all over. Two days later, I couldn´t miss the concert that I had already bought tickets for. I couldn´t miss such a celebration sponsored by The Dog House, Wild 109.5 FM radio. It was the “IT” radio at the time, and it was the coolest thing in the Bay area and surrounding areas so I wasn’t about to miss out on that, NO way!

During that snoozing moment, I denied myself the option to flow into a deep sleep, or be fully cognizant of my surroundings. Part of me pleaded to stay awake and feel the assuagement of the needles as they pierced my skin. Are these needles going to ameliorate my pain for good? I pray that they do... On the other hand, a stubborn fragment within, urged me to shut down and be oblivious to my hurt that is now my reality (strain: either physical or emotional have always haunted me). I am unbeknownst to existing sans distress. It is NOT all that bad, believe it or not, there’s a good side to it. Through this turmoil, I’ve learned to be more patient and sensible to other people’s pain, especially to that of my loved ones. I’ve also learned to not overlook my inner emotions. Because those sentiments have disclosed my passion, my desires, my destiny, my essence, my purpose, one of my why's. And last, but not least, this discomfort has given me the opportunity to take better care of my health.

Meaning that I am making smarter choices with food. Dieting has always been one of my downfalls, there’s no doubt about that! At least when I was younger I could get away with it because my metabolism was an out of control calorie and fat-burning machine, unlike now. Every day I struggle and choose wisely what goes in my mouth, like right now. I am craving, candy, bread, something sweet, anything I can get my hands on. Should I give in to my cravings and wake up with a stomach ache tomorrow? (it is now 10:05 pm). Or should I remain resilient and be deaf to those mental temptations luring me to the refrigerator and the cupboard? I won’t consent to my gluttony, not today that I was able to see a teeny bitty spark at the end of my burrow.

Am I getting there yet? NOT now, NOT tomorrow or next week, but I will get there sooner rather than later, and I will live to tell...